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Guide Entry: Planet Earth
by Adam Cole-King
Nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere. The surface is 71% aqueous sodium chloride, the rest being land, ice-caps and absurdly large retail parks. There are four dimensions including time, which is linear but relative. Good quality towels widely available.
The huge diversity of carbon based life forms is unmatched anywhere in the Galaxy, though undervalued by the locals and sadly declining. The population of countless trillions consists of unicellular algae and mostly harmless bacteria, with significant minorities of insects, vertebrates and estate agents. All resources and technology, such as it is, are controlled by an elite of small rodents, manipulating six billion bipedal primates who lord it over everyone else (see GOLGAFRINCHAM). They have divided the planet into about 200 ‘countries’, mainly to have incessant wars and other competitive events.
You could spend many Earth years sightseeing, which is handy since leaving is difficult. Some must-sees for a short visit are:
Norway and New Zealand. The finest fjords in the Galaxy, with no admission charge.
Deep ocean. Top galactic backpackers’ hangout, but virtually unknown to the locals. The dolphins are friendly, if rather smug.
Pyramids, Egypt. Spectacular, but usually crowded with stranded Betelgeusians looking for a shortcut home.
Rickmansworth, European Union. Nothing to see, but there’s a palpable air of something really important going on. If you find out what, please sub-etha-mail us.
Getting there: The nearest hyperspace terminal is the Western Spiral Arm administrative centre of Alpha Centauri. Traffic between AC and Earth is light, but you could sneak onto one of the Vogon construction ships working in the area.
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